"Dancing with the Stars": Kristin Cavallari heads for the hills, "DWTS": Kristin Cavallari heads for the hills, Kristin Cavallari Gets the Boot on Dancing With the Stars, Kristin Cavallari Shocked and Sad to Leave Dancing with the Stars, Kristin Cavallari opens up about her 'Dancing With The Stars' experience, It was one quick step she wasn't expecting – right off the stage and out the door. Are you ready for some insanity?
"Dancing with the Stars" is largely a popularity contest, occasionally tempered with a certain guilt on the part of the voters when someone is actually a very good dancer. But there will surely be much gnashing of false teeth after the ridiculous, bizarre, nonsensical, asinine, ludicrous, demented elimination of Kristin Cavallari.
The reality show personality - who had finally given reality show personalities a good name after the abject behavior of Kate Plus Hate in a previous "Dancing" season - was sent off to the hills in one of the odder cases of America finally losing what remains of its brains.
But before you lose what remains of your breakfast, brunch, lunch or equilibrium, let us examine some of the foreplay of this appallingly flaccid exhibition of nihilism. (On the part of the voters, that is.)
One should have foreseen that, this night, lunacy would prevail. After all, the previous night was characterized by the thorough gushiness of the personal stories enacted in twists, shimmies and wiggles. Something idiotic must surely come to break the strangely serious, charitable atmosphere that had suddenly prevailed. But not quite yet, it seemed.
There will be those who might find it odd that Chaz Bono was swiftly told that he and partner Lacey Schwimmer would be wafting along to the next round. But, while many still believe that America has a conservative nature, Bono's astonishingly equitable charm has surely endeared him to hordes who are more used to the hectoring, posturing and preening of so many alleged stars (and politicians).
Once that was done, we were left to gaze upon behind-the-scenes blubbing from the night before.
Yes, there were even clips of judge Carrie Ann Inaba, as well as a welling-up close-up of Nancy Grace. Somewhere, Casey Anthony was sipping beer, munching potato chips and overflowing with sympathy.
We were relieved to discover that Rob Kardashian hadn't, in fact, slipped his tongue into partner Cheryl Burke's mouth at the end of their performance. We were less relieved to discover that Carson Kressley was "in jeopardy" - whatever that might truly mean on this particular night. Hope Solo was, rather more justifiably, in jeopardy too. It would have been justifiable if, in fact, she was in the real bottom three.
While we pondered this, we were treated to a version of two degrees of separation, in which it was revealed that stars tend to date other famous people, who know other famous people and might even be related to other famous people.
Sample: Kristin Cavallari dated Brody Jenner, whose dad is married to Rob Kardashian's mom. Kismet. Or, perhaps, Hazmat.
Slightly more joyous sample: Rob Kardashian's dad was on the same team of fine, principled lawyers as Johnny Cochran - the team that managed to secure the acquittal of O.J. Simpson. Cochran was on a talk show with Nancy Grace. Serendipity-doo-dah.
Then it was time for the drama.
"I'm so nervous. My ex-fiance's here." These were the words, uttered backstage on the previous night, by Kristin Cavallari. Gosh, she must have had absolutely no idea that the Chicago Bears quarterback, Jay Cutler, was going to fly, after another interesting performance (Chicago Sun-Times headline: "It's hard to say what Bears are doing well on offense"), to L.A. just on the off chance that he might catch her dance.
Though she might not be the best dancer on display, Cavallari certainly managed to hold her own, while being held by the easily inflatable ego of partner Mark Ballas. When she was told that she was still "in jeopardy," Cavallari took it well. Perhaps it felt no more than just another sack through a porous defensive line.
Finally, it was between her and Hope Solo. Naturally, Brooke Burke-Charvet had to remind everyone - should they have been temporarily fooled - that Solo and Cavallari weren't necessarily the bottom two. One of them was just there for high kicks and giggles.
It wasn't Cavallari. Suddenly she looked miserable. Suddenly, it perhaps crossed her mind that a very large proportion of the viewership of this show consisted of old ladies who had never heard of Cavallari and positively hated the fact that she is young, blonde and doesn't have very large proportions.
Head Judge Len Goodman offered: "It's madness."
That was before the result was announced.
After it was announced, Cavallari was clearly shocked. Her mouth opened wider than the hills - no, wider than all the "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" mouths' combined.
"I'm a little surprised, to be honest," understated Cavallari.
Host Tom Bergeron offered: "My guess is people said 'they're fine,'" and therefore didn't bother to vote.
But someone, somewhere voted for David Arquette. I know it's a large acting family. However, there can't be that many of them, can there?
Ricki Lake looked on with a face as sad as when she used to have to listen to girls whose boyfriends were cads, cheats and bounders.
America, look in the mirror. What do you see? A distorted image, one hopes.
But don't worry. Next week, Cher will be on the show. One can only hope that Chaz's mom gives America a large piece of her very large mind.
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